Back Again

it's been a long, long time since i've been here. but, today i have nothing but time as i wait to participate in an event i thought started earlier today. so, i went looking at some friends' blogs and i was inspired by their creations. i mean, pictures and everything. so i'm coming back. since i have to run and move my car, i can't say all i want to say in this blog. but, be on notice, "i'm back."

beauty "is" in the eye of the beholder

it has been a while since i've been here, but seeing the the movie "G" causes me to come back to self-expression. when i saw the movie, i fell in love with richard t. jones (judging amy's "bruce" and the movie's protagonist) all over again. i mean, he is a creation of pure beauty. i don't need anyone to agree with me. after seeing him, i tried calling several friends to testify to his beauty and when i couldn't reached the first 3-4 friends, i kept trying because someone needed to share in my excitement regarding this man's beauty. it's just something about him that causes me raptuous delight. he is the kind of man i'd love to meet and talk to for hours on end. at least, that's what his character makes me believe. of course, he could be something totally different in person.

as i start seriously thinking about dating and getting married, i'd love to meet someone like bruce's character who wouldn't be afraid to stay and hang in there with me. because my love is complicated. can someone say "for colored girls." as i've watched over the years his character, i'm always impressed with him and his tenacity. he never moves away from the difficult [woman]. he has the kind of confidence i love in a man.

i was listening to maureen dowd (new york times writer) on npr today speaking of her new book "are men necessary: when sexes collide," express the problem with men who are intimated by intelligent and independent women. she stated, "i've met men who said they'd rather married the waitress than the woman who is their equal because the waitress will be in awe of them." what do you think about being in awe of a man? yes, i can be smitten, but after a while the "newness" wears off. any man who thinks a woman will always be cooing over him is completely out of touch. that's one of the reasons i love bruce's character, he never seems to be moved by too much fluff.

setting the record straight

recently, i begun the process of setting the record straight. i find that so many people tell so many lies. for example, my sister-in-law has been lying for years about how i feel about her. she believed that i didn't like her because she was "light skinned." how weak. she came to this conclusion because when she found out my brother was cheating on her with a darker skinned sister, she called the woman ugly. when i responded to her comment by saying, "light skinned women get on my nerves always thinking because they are light skinned that they are prettier than darker skinned women." she held onto that comment for twenty years, and recently brought it up. when she did, it stunned me that she had been walking around for twenty years with that. but, the thing that tripped me up the most was her misquoting me and believing i didn't like her because she was "light skinned." so she has been telling my niece that i was jealous of her too because she is "light skinned." and, we have all this tension because of the lies. can people please get a life?

the thing that she isn't telling my niece is that the real reason we have tension between us is because she allowed my brother to screw her while we were staying in the same hotel room. i was sleeping in the bed next to them, and then, i hear, you know. i couldn't believe that they thought so little of themselves that they would have sex with another person in the room with them. does this sound like some white girl shit? by her participating in this act, she allowed herself to be disrespected. i told her that my brother was telling her that she was trifling and didn't care about herself. i told her don't be mad with me because she didn't have any discipline. why couldn't she wait until i wasn't in the room? or better yet, why didn't my brother get another room? he worked at the hotel.

are we still stuck in the craziness where light skinned women still believe that because they are light skinned they have something that dark skinned women don't have? or that they believe they are more special? i mean, my brother showed her that she wasn't special and that she didn't bring anything that any other woman didn't have to the table. if light skin is all that some women believe they need, we are in a sad state.

another factor has to do with her education level--she has one year of college. and, she says "bought," when she means "brought." can someone get a college degree so she can feel worthy?

what do you owe?

okay, this is an interesting question. here we go: what do you owe someone, outside of thank you and doing a good job, when they do you a favor, say give you a job or assist you in getting a job by calling connections, etc? i'm asking because i was having a conversation with a friend, and he shared that a former friend was upset with me because someone helped me get a job, and instead of remaining in the craziness or being abused by my boss, i quit. she felt i had betrayed the person who gave me the job. i always find these situations interesting because i always feel once i've said thank you and done a good job, i'm through with it. i never feel obligated to anyone because they did me a favor. i just never put strings on things i do for people. i know not everyone functions this way, but is that my fault? it's the same way when people loan you money. they start believing they have the right to tell you what you can wear or whether or not you can go shopping. all kinds of craziness. maybe it's me, but i just don't understand the logic. i'd love to hear your thoughts.

Meme Time

i received this "meme" from two friends; therefore, i will invest in it.

so, here it is:

10 years ago: 1995--washington, dc, enjoying my life as some have said, "living a charmed life." every tuesday evening sitting in my therapist's chair telling her all my woes!!!

5 years ago: 2000--graduating from princeton theological seminary; won the top preaching prize; working as a teaching assistant in princeton university's religion department; on a sabbatical (everyone needs one after an academically rigorous program) to read; cook decent meals; living in a 1br condo for $200 a month; and temping whenever i needed extra cash; working on applications for another graduate program.

1 year ago: 2004--chaotic; working as an executive director for nj state commission; quit to care for ill family member; got rid of lots of crazy people in my life, sick brother included; started really looking at what i wanted from life; and the last day of 2004 got on an airplane for a cross country journey by car, airplane, bus, and train.

five snacks--trail mix, almond joy, salsa and tostitos, guacamole, ginger snaps

five songs i know all the words to--i remember, i believe by sweet honey; four women by nina simone; and the others are church songs--that's who i am.

five things i would do with $100 million--pay off ALL of my debt; open bank accounts for my mother, my godmother, and my other mother; pay off the debt of a couple of friends; start an all black girls school, bringing in little girls when they are three, with the best teachers, in every discipline--drama, dance, theater, math, science, philosophy, theology, etc., etc.; and open my residential ministry "the resting place" for young women who are transitioning in life and need a safe haven to live for free, up to six months, while they figure it out. i would provide food, shelter, therapy (if they wanted or needed), nice 600tc sheets, lots of candles, great music, and the best diet money could buy.

five places i run away to--the library, the bookstore, a book, a nap, a walk

five things i would never wear--a halter top, booty shorts, a throng (unless, of course), a mini skirt, ______

five favorite tv shows--girlfriends, judging amy (bruce is my man), fear factor, law & order (svu), a different world

five favorite toys--can't think of any, too old

five biggest joys--reading a book, sitting in the bookstore, talking to little people, a great meal, knowing how blessed i am

five people to pass this on to--soulsurvivor3, kellyskronicles; that's all i know at the moment

pimping propensity continues...

i'm back at it. now, that i've had some time to think further about man's propensity for pimping, i have more thoughts. i was talking to an older male friend of mine the other day, and i told him that every man has the propensity for pimping. of course, he didn't want to agree. then, being the woman that i am, i broke it down to the brotha. we get together every so often for lunch, and we talk with each other on the phone once or twice a week. since he's a scholarly man, my type of man, we talk about current events, the global condition of black people, and we have a great time laughing and kidding with each other about you name it.

these are his demographics: 69, married, middle-class, outstanding man of the community, a race man, and all the other wonderful things that you would say about a man with the calibre of a w.e.b. dubois or ozzie. so i told him, if he were not married, he would be someone's "sugar daddy." with all the qualities that this man exhibits, i would make him mine. of course, i didn't tell him that because he wouldn't have been able to handle that one. then, he would have to start thinking about all the time we spend together and how many times he probably thought about me in that way. when we get together, he always puts a big one on my cheek. any old man loves being in the presence of young women, helps keep them young. i think he got the idea. he told me he had to think about it for a minute. i gave him that, and when we were supposed to get together for lunch the following week, he cancelled. i wonder why? i started thinking: maybe he wasn't ready to come face to face with the possibility that i could make him my pimp or my sugar daddy. come on now, with a woman like myself, i would have him giving me all his money. ladies, whether you admit it or not, we do have the ability to get what we want. and, i'm not talking about having to give up anything. if women understood their power, they could get whatever they wanted without giving up anything, except great conversation and lots of laughing. men eat that up. it's great ego booster. trust me, i could get a man to take me to lunch almost everyday, if i wanted to. and, they would be black, white, old and young. i had this white man tell me the other day, i should get me a job on the radio because he just loved listening to me talk. he even went as far as saying, "i don't care what you say. you could talk about dogs running in the rain. i would listen all day long." now, what do you have to say about that one?

Composing A Life

Okay, so I've been asked to submit a piece for an upcoming anthology. While I have lots to tell about my life, I'm wondering how much is too much to share. I'm writing a tribute to my mother, and I want to tell all the great things she taught me about life; how she pampered me with facials before they were popular; how she gave me permission as a little girl to be exactly who the hell I wanted to be; and share why my mother continues to be my shero. But, in order to do this, I feel as if I need to share details of the s*i# she endured. If I do this, a lot of people will be pissed. While I don't care about people being pissed, I do care about my mother and her feelings. For years there have been so many family secrets and keeping them has been a bi#ch. Now, I've reached a juncture in life where keeping secrets is for someone else. My position is: If you don't want the sh*& told, don't tell me. I don't want to be a co-conspirator in Other People's craziness. I want to write a tell all piece. I want to talk about how my relatives (aunts from both sides) chose not to participate in my life; I want to tell how they didn't support my mother; therefore, leaving her out there all on her own; I want to tell how they considered her an outsider because she didn't finish college and marry the right man, one that my grandmother wanted to choose; I want to talk about all the abuse churches heap on women; I want to talk about all the gatekeepers who think they are the only ones and tell them, get a life. I want my submission to be a manifesto of sorts. I want to let them all have it.

So as I compose my life, in writing, what is alright to tell. I want to do a Maya as in "The Caged Bird." I want to sing; I want to be the canary.

Every Man's Propensity for Pimping

I've been thinking about this one a lot lately. Every since I saw Hustle & Flow, I've been questioning every man's "propensity to pimp." And, my answer is whether he believes it or not, he does. Let me share this one with you. There's a guy who is a great friend (he's like a brother). We talk often and I'm always sensitive to how his wife might feel about our friendship; therefore, I make every effort to engage her. While it hasn't always been easy, we, the wife and me, had a great breakthrough recently. When she finally understood that I didn't want her husband, he's just not the kind I would marry or date at this point in my life--doesn't have enough courage and way too fearful--she could relax a bit. Why do women always think somebody wants their man, particularly, if she can just barely stand him herself? That's for another blog.

Okay, so I was talking to him about needing a little assistance (financial) and I wanted him, as the head of his family, to arrange a time when I could come over so we, the three of us, could talk about it. Well, this morning he sends me an email telling me, "I will help you in any way you need help as long as it's between me and you. Don't ask me why." After some thinking about it, I responded to him by saying, "unless you are going to tell your wife, I will not and cannot receive any assistance from you." He wanted me to participate with him in some kind of conspiracy of secrecy.

My thoughts are still unfolding.

This Blogging Thing

A friend and mentee has been telling me for months to set up my blog, but because I'm not the most computer savvy person, I've been hesitant. But after reading her blogs, I decided I was going to give it another try. And, would you believe that this time IT WORKED. I tell you this girl must be getting better. Now, that I have this blogging thing down; world watch out. I'm not taking any prisoners. So, here we go!!!

This is the thing: I am always amazed at what people hear when you share a part of your life with them. I wrote a former classmate that I was interested in pursuing graduate studies (PhD) and I shared with her my interest: Identity Politics and Black Women's Ways of Worshipping. I want to examine why patriachy (maleness) and white supremacy (whiteness) dictates how Black women can or will worship. I mean, I was raw and to the point in my summary, but the thing that tipped me over was her response. She said, "sounds like you are in despair." I couldn't believe it. I had to take a few days to process how contemplating graduate school and expressing my interests would communicate, to her, despair. I don't know, but all I do know is that language/communication fails us.

Since this is the first one, I'll leave it at that.